1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER..
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

__________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

______________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

___________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

__________
LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

____________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
_____________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

every time I read it..

= truth never hurts=

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

Socrates

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Anonymous

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”

James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives.

The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you’re right, just shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married?

Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

Anonymous

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s is an angel…!”

Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

WELL, HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE THE SAME FEELINGS AS SOME OF THESE GREATS???

After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

Him a gun.

‘We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

In a chair … . . Kill her!!’

The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could

Never shoot my wife.’

The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man

For this job. Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

Quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried,

But I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t

Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the

Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

After another. They heard screaming, crashing,

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to

Beat him to death with the chair.’

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them

Wife:        ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband:   ‘ Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife:       ‘Yes or no.’
_____________

Wife:          ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?’
Hubby:      ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.’
Wife:    ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?’
Hubby:     ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’
——————————————————–
Stress Reliever Girl:   ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
——————————

Son:  ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Mum:  ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son:  ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
——————————

A newly married man asked his wife; ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly; ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
———————————————————-

Girl to her boyfriend: ‘One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.’
The bloke replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’
——————————-
A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humour!’

——————————

Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.
The wife replied; ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.
The man then said; ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’

The wife apologised and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man was watching TV when his wife bashed him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. When he recovered he asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied; ‘Your Horse phoned!’

——————————
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk

Not to be outdone by the Americans, in the weeks that followed, a Chinese archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the China Daily read: ‘Chinese archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Americans’.

One week later, Evening Special , a local newspaper in Pakistan, reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Lalu Khaith Dus Number, in the state of Sindh, Karachi, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Evening Special Analysit has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Pakistan had already gone wireless.



SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 48 holidays per year. That is called Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.

TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a payrise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day!

It’s ALWAYS the kids that suffer!!

His Name is Zonkey…….!!!!!!!

Infosys , Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:
“Since I have to go to my village to sell my land
along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave.”

This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was
performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son:
“as I want to shave my son’s head , please leave me for two days..”

Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his
daughter’s wedding:
“as I am marrying my daughter , please grant a week’s leave..”

From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
“As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it , please
grant me 10 days leave.”

Another employee
applied for half day leave as follows:
“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return,
please grant me half day casual leave”

An incident of a leave letter:
“I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.”

A leave letter to the headmaster:
“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache.
I request you to leave me today”

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
“As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for
the day.”

Covering note:
“I am enclosed herewith…”

Another one:
“Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my below…”

Actual letter written for application of leave:
“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her
only husband at home I may be granted leave”.

Letter writing:-
“I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.”

A candidate’s job application:
“This has reference to your advertisement calling for
a ‘ Typist and an Accountant – Male or Female’… As
I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle
both with good experience , I am applying for the post.”