Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out–
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit–
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Author Unknown

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER..
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

__________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

______________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

___________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

__________
LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

____________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
_____________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

every time I read it..

= truth never hurts=

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

Socrates

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Anonymous

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”

James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives.

The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you’re right, just shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married?

Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

Anonymous

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s is an angel…!”

Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

WELL, HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE THE SAME FEELINGS AS SOME OF THESE GREATS???

After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

Him a gun.

‘We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

In a chair … . . Kill her!!’

The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could

Never shoot my wife.’

The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man

For this job. Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

Quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried,

But I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t

Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the

Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

After another. They heard screaming, crashing,

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to

Beat him to death with the chair.’

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them

1. Why not me?
2. Am I nice?
3. Am I doing what I really want to do?
4. What am I grateful for?
5. What’s missing in my life?
6. Am I honest?
7. Do I listen to others?
8. Do I work hard?
9. Do I help others?
10. What do I need to change about myself?

11. Have I hurt others?
12. Do I complain?
13. What’s next for me?
14. Do I have fun?
15. Have I seized opportunities?
16. Do I care about others?
17. Do I spend enough time with my family?
18. Am I open-minded?
19. Have I seen enough of the world?
20. Do I judge others?

21. Do I take risks?
22. What is my purpose?
23. What is my biggest fear?
24. How can I conquer that fear?
25. Do I thank people enough?
26. Am I successful?
27. What am I ashamed of?
28. Do I annoy others?
29. What are my dreams?

30. Am I positive?
31. Am I negative?
32. Is there an afterlife?
33. Does everything happen for a reason?
34. What can I do to change the world?
35. What is the most foolish thing I’ve ever done?
36. Am I cheap?
37. Am I greedy?
38. Who do I love?
39. Who do I want to meet?
40. Where do I want to go?

41. What am I most proud of?
42. Do I care what others think about me?
43. What are my talents?
44. Do I utilize those talents?
45. What makes me happy?
46. What makes me sad?
47. What makes me angry?
48. Am I satisfied with my appearance?
49. Am I healthy?
50. What was the toughest time in my life?

51. What was the easiest time in my life?
52. Am I selfish?
53. What was the craziest thing I did?
54. What is the craziest thing I want to do?
55. Do I procrastinate?
56. What is my greatest regret?
57. What has had the greatest impact on my life?
58. Who has had the greatest impact on my life?
59. Do I stand up for myself?

60. Have I settled for mediocrity?
61. Do I hold grudges?
62. Do I read enough?
63. Do I listen to my heart?
64. Do I donate enough to the less fortunate?
65. Do I pray only when I want something?
66. Do I constantly dwell on the past?
67. Do I let other people’s negativity affect me?
68. Do I forgive myself?
69. When I help someone do I think “What’s in it for me”?

70. Am I aware that someone always has it worse than me?
71. Do I smile more than I frown?
72. Do I surround myself with good people?
73. Do I take time out for myself?
74. Do I ask enough questions?
75. What other questions do I have?

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall

 to see the farmer and his wife open a package. 

“What food might this contain?”  The mouse wondered.
He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard,
 

the mouse proclaimed this warning :

 ”There is a mousetrap in the house! 

There is a mousetrap in the house!”
 
 

The chicken clucked and scratched,

raised her head and said, “Mr. Mouse,

I can tell this is a grave concern to you,

but it is of no consequence to me. 

I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him,

“There is a mousetrap in the house! 

There is a mousetrap in the house!”
 
 

 The pig sympathized, but said,

“I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse,

but there is nothing I can do about it

but pray..

Be assured you are in my prayers.”
 
 

The mouse turned to the cow and said,

“There is a mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The cow said, “Wow, Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you,

but it’s no skin off my nose.”
 So, the mouse returned to the house,

head down and dejected,

to face the farmer’s mousetrap

. . . Alone.. .. .
 

That very night

a sound was heard throughout the house

 – the sound Of a mousetrap catching its prey.
 

The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught. 

In the darkness, she did not see it. 

It was a venomous snake

whose tail was caught in the trap.
 

The snake bit the farmer’s wife.

 The farmer rushed her to the hospital.   

When she returned home she still had a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever

with fresh chicken soup.

So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard

for the soup’s main ingredient:

But his wife’s sickness continued. 

Friends and neighbors

came to sit  with her

around the clock. 

 To feed them,

the farmer butchered the pig.

But, alas,

the farmer’s wife did not get well… 

She died.

So many people came for her funeral

that the farmer had the cow slaughtered

to provide enough meat for all of them

for the funeral luncheon.
 

And the mouse looked upon it all

from his crack in the wall

with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear

someone is facing a problem

and you think it doesn’t concern you,

remember —

When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life.

We must keep an eye out for one another

and make an extra effort

to encourage one another.

YOU MAY WANT TO SEND THIS

TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER

HELPED YOU OUT… 

AND LET THEM KNOW

HOW  IMPORTANT THEY ARE.
 
 

- REMEMBER -
 
 

EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD

IN ANOTHER PERSON’S TAPESTRY.
 
 

OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER

FOR A REASON.

One of the best things to hold onto

In this world is a FRIEND.
 
 
 
Remember,if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got.

Wife:        ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband:   ‘ Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife:       ‘Yes or no.’
_____________

Wife:          ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?’
Hubby:      ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.’
Wife:    ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?’
Hubby:     ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’
——————————————————–
Stress Reliever Girl:   ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
——————————

Son:  ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Mum:  ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son:  ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
——————————

A newly married man asked his wife; ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly; ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
———————————————————-

Girl to her boyfriend: ‘One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.’
The bloke replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’
——————————-
A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humour!’

——————————

Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.
The wife replied; ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.
The man then said; ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’

The wife apologised and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man was watching TV when his wife bashed him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. When he recovered he asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied; ‘Your Horse phoned!’

——————————
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk